200
TEAL'C: [VOICEOVER] previously on stargate sg-1...
MARTIN: *First a shot of the ship from the episode wormhole extreme* I'm not just interested in outer space. I'm from outer space.
Next shot is the original SG-1, with Hammond, in the briefing room watching the commercial for Wormhole Extreme.
NARRATOR: Four excellent heroes in an extraordinary new sci-fi series, starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning.
MARLOWE: As a matter of fact, it does say "Colonel" on my uniform.
NARRATOR: Wormhole extreme.
MARLOWE: It's what I do.
HAMMOND: He sold the idea to the studio.
JACKSON: He obviously got the whole thing from his knowledge of the stargate program.
O'NEILL: No…If the air force didn't want it to happen, they wouldn't have let it go this far.
SG-1 step through the gate offworld. Then O'Neill trains his weapon into the tree line.
O'NEILL: Come on out.
FURLING: *Couple of teddy-bear like creatures appear* We are the furlings.
JACKSON: *kneeling to the height of the furling, he shakes their hand.* We thought we'd never get to meet you.
A shot of their home, and then a mothership drops out of hyperspace into orbit of the planet, firing. SG-1 look up as one of the ships bears down on the planet.
TEAL'C: We led them straight here.
Shot of the X-302's engaging the death gliders. On the surface, Carter works to try and help the furling. Jackson runs over.
JACKSON: Sam!
CARTER: I thought I could make it work. The thermodynamic loop is feeding back into the planet's core.
Jackson and Carter are beamed out leaving the furling to face impending doom, screaming at each other in their language, the planet blows to pieces.
CARTER: [VOICEOVER] Well, that never happened.
SCENE: cut to SG-1 and Vala sitting in the briefing room, reading over scripts.
MITCHELL: Well, you've got to open big, catch people's attention, make them think the whole thing is going to be jam-packed.
VALA: Ooh, I love jam. *Mitchell, Jackson and Carter look at her* Oh, I get it. It's yet another playful twist on words in your "earth" language.
CARTER: I mean---It makes us look stupid.
JACKSON: You realize it's not actually us.
CARTER: Okay, okay, it makes the "characters" look stupid. I mean, do you really think the best way to introduce the heroes of the story is to show them causing a massive catastrophe?
MITCHELL: That's...realistic.
JACKSON: *shrugs* I don't care.
MITCHELL: Come on…It'll be fun.
JACKSON: You know, you say that about everything. *Carter grins* Come to think of it, why am I doing this?
LANDRY: *walks out of his office* To make sure that the air force is being properly represented, *Jackson raises his hand to make a point* and because general O'Neill has requested you specifically.
JACKSON: *makes a fist* Of course he did.
MITCHELL: Jackson, how often do we get to give notes on a big Hollywood feature script?
TEAL'C: I believe this is intended to be a television movie.
LANDRY: *waves script* A fictionalized, albeit, slightly ridiculous version of Stargate command is an excellent cover for the real thing in the event of a security leak.
CARTER: Plausible deniability.
JACKSON: I'm sorry, sir, did you say "slightly" ridiculous? *Carter grins at Jackson*
LANDRY: You're doing this. You have no choice. Just give the man five minutes. I'll get you out of this when the time comes. *leaves*
VALA: *flicking through the script* Um, I've been looking through this, and there doesn't seem to be any mention of a…sexy female alien…*Carter looks at her, eyebrow raised* anywhere. I'm not even in this. *Jackson all but rolls his eyes*
CARTER: You know, the really unbelievable part is that anyone would consider spending millions of dollars on this thing. I mean, seriously, all these writers, and they couldn't come up with anything better?
VALA: I don't know, I've been watching a lot of television lately, and apart from one glaring omission…it doesn't seem to be that bad.
MITCHELL: Maybe we *making notes* can make it better.
JACKSON: No…I'm with Sam on this one. I mean…who-Who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes?
TEAL'C: It allegedly performed well on DVD.
MARTIN: *entering on his mobile* No, I'm not using any shots from the series. It's a movie, not a clip show. The budget is the budget. They are a bunch of pencil-pushing, bean-counting idiots. You tell them if they don't like it, I'm going to take it somewhere else. *turns away a little, quietly* You know not to say that last part, right? *small nod, little louder* Yeah, movie, not clip show, is fine. Yeah, I got to go. Yeah. *hangs up* cell coverage is just terrible in here. How's it going? You done? *Carter fiddles with her pen, Jackson drinks his coffee, Mitchell and Teal'c just stare*
VALA: Well, it...certainly seems to be packed full of jam.
MARTIN: I knew I should have given you my first draft. The…the producer brought in…the other writers.
MITCHELL: I thought you were the producer.
MARTIN: No-Yeah, the real one. Uh, look *sits* just… be honest. I…I trust you guys. That's why I'm here. Just tell me what you think. *Jackson checks his watch* Come on, you must have some ideas. Don't be afraid. Just pitch them out. *waves hands* We call it spinning. Don't worry. No one's going to judge you.
MITCHELL: Okay, for starters, *looks to notepad* I think you need a strong opening title sequence.
MARTIN: *laughs* Are you serious? No one does that anymore. You just throw up the title and get on with it.
Quick cut to a very short Opening title sequences, with a shot of the Gate spinning, the title "Stargate SG-1" and then the gate activates.
SCENE: Mitchell makes his way to the Gate room, zombies coming down both ends of the corridor, he fires in both directions, then crosses over his arms and fires again. He opens the blast doors, steps through and attempts to close them, as they shut zombie Siler tries to push through. Mitchell shoots him, and then dives over a bunch of boxes, Walter runs into the Control room.
MITCHELL: Walter! Dial 447! The only way to stop this is to get the device *holds up device* back to the planet. *Gate dials, as Walter is attacked by the zombies, eating at him, he screams*
The zombies get past the blast doors, Mitchell shooting them with the last of his ammunition as he backs up the ramp.
Cut back to the briefing room, Mitchell using his hands like guns.
MITCHELL: Bam, bam!
MARTIN: Look, uh…no offense but zombies have been done to death. Uh…no…pun intended. Besides, this is science fiction, not horror.
MITCHELL: Did I mention the tel'chak device? Cause that's what turned them into zombies.
MARTIN: *Cell phone rings, with the Wormhole extreme theme tune* Oh. Sorry. *answers* Go for Marty. Oh…hey…Charlie. What's up? *whispers to the others as he gets up* It's the studio. What kind of problem? *heads off*
JACKSON: *to Mitchell* Just out of curiosity, what was the rest of the team doing while your character was fighting the zombies? *They all turn to him*
MARTIN: *comes back* Son of a bitch!
MITCHELL: Studio executives, huh?
MARTIN: What? Oh… No, Charlie…no…he's a great guy. He's the only one I trust.
VALA: So, what's the problem, then?
MARTIN: Our lead backed out. I mean…How am I supposed to tell a story without my lead character?
MITCHELL: Easy. Just bring in a character to replace him. *All silent, staring at him* What? *Carter glares, shaking her head*
MARTIN: You guys have to help me. I mean, how can I keep the main character in the story without actually having the actor who plays him?
CARTER: Well… you could have the other characters refer to him all the time… maybe… get him on the phone once in a while.
MARTIN: Oh, yeah, right. I mean…something cool, like…um…*Carter's face falls* face-switching or body-swapping?
VALA: *laughs* As if anyone would believe that. *Jackson throws her a look*
MARTIN: Come on, you guys must have some real-life experiences I can draw on.
CARTER: Oh…well, there was that time that Colonel O'Neill was invisible.
SCENE: musical, rippled fade, to Carter's lab, as she stands talking to what seems to be an empty room.
CARTER: So…essentially, what I think happened is that you were bombarded by the particle field being emanated by the cloaking generator. See…you were in the engine room standing right next to it when the device was turned on. That would account for the minute traces of radiation we've been picking up from you. *sits, across from the seat she seems to be speaking too* But the good news is I think I've found a way to reverse the process. *Jackson enters, leaning against doorframe* We have to go back to the mother ship and get the cloaking generator.
JACKSON: Sam, who you talking to?
CARTER: Oh, Colonel O'Neill. I was just explaining to him how we're going to make him visible again. *Smiles*
JACKSON: *drops head* No, you're not. *walks over* Jack's in…uh…*waves hand over seat* …Hammond's office. *sits*
CARTER: *throws up hands* I can't believe he did that to me again.
JACKSON: Yeah. You know, getting that cloaking generator off that mother ship--that's going to be the least of our problems. Now… getting jack to help--that's going to be the hard part.
CARTER: Oh, don't tell me...
JACKSON: oh, yes. he likes being invisible.
SCENE: On the surface, lots of beeping at the security gate. An airman walks over to the car, where a dog sits in the drivers seat, the engine revving.
SCENE: Briefing room, Jackson stands by a board, writing up various notes, speaking to a group of scientists and military personnel.
JACKSON: And so, by translating this tablet, we should be able to determine the most important thing in the universe. *sudden sounds of someone snoring, Jackson turns round to the others* everyone just wanna poke around, see if you can find him?
SCENE: In the ladies locker room, Carter peeks out from behind the curtain of the shower, frowning…
CARTER: Sir… are you there?
O'NEILL: *after a few seconds* Nope. *Carter closes her eyes and shuts the shower.*
SCENE: Teal'c walks down the corridor, with invisible O'Neill with a cup of coffee, the cup seeming to float in the air.
TEAL'C: You cannot remain this way, O'Neill.
O'NEILL: Why not? It gives us an advantage over the Goa'uld. I can sneak around all I want…totally undetected. I…give us the element of surprise. The bottom line is *they stop* I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self. *drinks*
TEAL'C: I assume I am staring at you stoically.
O'NEILL: Not buying it, eh?
TEAL'C: No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.
O'NEILL: Oh, I get it. Good one.
TEAL'C: I can see right through you.
O'NEILL: Don't push it.
SCENE: On board a mother ship, the rings activate, with no one appearing, four guards in the room, the second is grabbed and thrown against a wall. As the other two go to help, they are both knocked down. The rings activate again, revealing the rest of SG-1. They walk out into the corridor to find the other Jaffa knocked out.
O'NEILL: Hello? Hand signals. I'm waving you over. *Carter shakes her head*
SCENE: Back in Carter's lab, Invisible O'Neill sits before the other three swinging on the chair.
CARTER: Okay…I've made the necessary adjustments. All I have to do now is initiate the sequence.
O'NEILL: *stops spinning* Okay. Let's do it.
Carter taps at the keys, a rumbling sound and then every goes down, into complete darkness.
O'NEILL: Oh, yeah. This is better.
SCENE: Back in the briefing room with Martin, Jackson has buried his head in his arms.
MARTIN: It might feel like kind of a cheat.
MITCHELL: Maybe it's best just not to mention the guy at all.
MARTIN: Yeah... besides, invisibility can be very powerful. You might not want to open that can of worms. You don't want your heroes to become too powerful.
CARTER: Well, you could always invent some negative side-effects. Well…That's how we talked Colonel O'Neill into becoming visible again.
LANDRY: Okay, that's it. SG-1, you are cleared to leave.
JACKSON: Thank you. *jumps up*
MARTIN: They can't leave! They haven't finished reading my script!
LANDRY: That's funny I thought it said "general" on my uniform.
MITCHELL: We owe you one, sir.
LANDRY: You mean another one.
JACKSON: *They all head down to the control room* What are you talking about? I thought you said it was going to be fun.
VALA: Not after his zombie idea got shot down.
MARTIN: So, where are you guys all off to? Someplace pretty important, huh?
CARTER: It's just a recon mission, isn't it?
MITCHELL: "Just" a recon mission? This is no simple recon mission. This is no less than my 200th trip through the gate.
CARTER: Really? You're counting?
MITCHELL: You bet.
SCENE: SG-1 head to the Gateroom all geared up. {Just going to point out that while Vala has been joining SG-1 on the missions, she doesn't have any shoulder patches.}
TEAL'C: I have been reflecting while changing into our gear--I believe this is far from your 200th mission, Colonel Mitchell.
MITCHELL: I didn't say 200th mission. I said 200th trip through the gate. That's counting off-world gates, back and forth, pretty much any time I crossed the event horizon. Yeah... this is going to be huge--the big 2 0 0– *The gate suddenly powers down, they look up at the Gateroom, the technician, shrugging unsure, they look up to the briefing window where Martin stands, waving them up, Mitchell turns to Carter* Fix it.
JACKSON: Quickly.
CARTER: I'm on it.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
SCENE: Offworld, SG-1 fire on the replicators chasing them
CARTER: We've got to go! We've got 10 seconds before the time dilation field is activated. If we don't make it through the gate, we'll be stuck here forever!
As they reach the edge of the hill, looking down into the Valley they see the gate surrounded by Jaffa and Goa'uld vessels
MITCHELL: Okay, this could be a problem.
SCENE: Gate room, SG-1 exit the gate walking down the ramp.
MITCHELL: Th-That was close, huh?
JACKSON: Oh yeah.
JACKSON: [Voice over] Are you serious?
SCENE: Briefing room, Mitchell, Vala, Jackson and Teal'c reading some more of the script.
MARTIN: What?
JACKSON: How did we escape?
VALA: They.
JACKSON: Fine, they. They, they, they. How did they escape?
MARTIN: Isn't it obvious?
MITCHELL: Even if the valley wasn't filled with Jaffa, we could never have made it to the gate and dialed out in under 10 seconds.
MARTIN: Good. See, that's why we're here. So, what do you think? 30 seconds? Maybe not such a round number. How about 38?
JACKSON: What difference does it make? I mean, it's not like you're going to have an actual ticking clock on the screen.
MARTIN: *points* That's brilliant!
JACKSON: That's ridiculous.
MARTIN: Trust me. Jeopardy plus ticking clock is box office. It's the e = mc2 Of the entertainment world. Ask any executive.
VALA: Except I think you've replaced jeopardy with certain death.
MARTIN: Oh, come on, you guys have escaped situations more dire than this before.
MITCHELL: He has a point.
JACKSON: So show the actual escape.
MARTIN: Oh, no, no, no. You can't give away too much too early. It'll step on the ending.
MITCHELL: Maybe if my character doesn't say, "this is a problem." He could say something like, "this should be easy."
MARTIN: How many times do I have to tell you? It's not you. Colonel Danning is based on Colonel O'Neill.
MITCHELL: *Carter heads up stairs, Quietly* Please tell me you have the gate working again.
CARTER: We're running another diagnostic, but right now, we're stumped. power's getting through to the capacitors, but for some reason, the charge isn't holding. *Martin stares* That's causing the control crystal to send feedback into the interface and reset the programming code of the base computer's dialing protocol.
MARTIN: Whoa! That was awesome. Say that again.
CARTER: No.
MARTIN: Oh. Uh, everybody, take five. I've got to get that down before I forget it. The power getting to the flux capacitor, but feedback is not feeding back into the feedback face. *Carter heads back downstairs as Vala heads over to Martin* This is gold!
VALA: Hey. Forget about the techno-talk. No one's really interested in it.
MARTIN: You're an alien, right?
VALA: Exactly, and I know just what this movie needs.
MARTIN: So how would you know what sci-fi fans from earth would be interested in?
VALA: Aren't you also an alien?
MARTIN: Yeah, but I've been here quite a while.
VALA: Right. Look, I think I know a good story when I hear one. Don't you want this movie to appeal to a broad range of people?
MARTIN: From earth.
VALA: I have all kinds of fabulous adventures, none of which have been classified by the air force.
MARTIN: Okay, shoot. Give me your best one.
VALA: Right. I was in a stolen cargo ship on my way home…
SCENE: A damaged cargo ship hits a lot of trees as it hurtles towards the ground.
VALA: [Voice over] when a solar flare from a nearby star wreaked havoc with my navigation system, and I was forced to crash-land on the nearest planet.
SCENE: Martin nods, listening as Vala continues.
VALA: In a bizarre twist of fate…
SCENE: Next shot shows the cargo ship, with a body lying under it.
VALA: [Voice over] I crashed right on top of the Goa'uld who ruled that planet, which was fortunate because my ship was too badly damaged to repair, and I needed help. *Tiny village people, walk up the path towards Vala* The local villagers were very grateful. *Next shot shows Vala in a tent as the people tend to her* They introduced me to a lovely fair-haired Tok'ra who had been hiding out on the planet. *Camera pans, revealing Carter* She told me the legend of a powerful ascended being who supposedly lived in some distant, far-off mountains through a treacherous forest.
MARTIN: [VOICE OVER] Look, I don't have all day.
SCENE: Martin waves
MARTIN: Cut to the chase.
VALA: All right, I met up with a number of my friends along the way, and after a dangerous and eventful journey, we finally come face to face with the ascended being.
SCENE: In the centre of a great room, is the giant floating head of Landry.
LANDRY: What can I do for you?
VALA: Well, at first I thought I just wanted to go home...but now I've decided I'd quite like to be a part of something... a regular part, if you catch my drift. Oh, and, uh, these guys have their own issues. Boys?
Vala turns to Mitchell the scare crow with a cup of coffee, Jackson drinking his own coffee as the Cowardly lion and Teal'c the Tin man. *The image fades to the three guys staring at her*
MARTIN: That's the wizard of oz.
VALA: Oh…you've seen that one?
MARTIN: Uh, yeah. Oh…that's my phone. *picks up phone* Martin Lloyd.
VALA: *small laugh* I didn't hear it ring.
MARTIN: It's on…vibrate. *walks away* Uh, yes, go ahead.
VALA: *follows* I can sing.
SCENE: Mitchell heads downstairs to the Control room wearily.
MITCHELL: So how's it going?
CARTER: Not well.
MITCHELL: Samantha…200 is waiting.
CARTER: Right now, I'm just hoping we haven't done something to permanently damage the gate.
MITCHELL: How can something work perfectly fine for years, then all of a sudden it doesn't work anymore?
CARTER: I don't know. Okay, try it now.
WALTER: *Gate starts to dial* Uh, we're getting some strange power readings here, Colonel.
CARTER: Shut it down. *Computer screens start to flicker*
WALTER: It's not responding. *Alarms start going off* The gate's drawing massive amounts of energy into its capacitors.
CARTER: Close the blast door and the iris.
As the blast door shut something sparks up, inside the gate room, sparks fly everywhere.
CARTER: I can't shut it down. Siler, manually cut the power!
Siler rushes into the gate room, ducking out of the way. He reaches the control panel, opening it as he attempts to shut it down, he is blown back herd against the blast door.
SILER: ahhhh!!! Why does this always happen to me?
CARTER: Sir, we have to evacuate the base!
LANDRY: *grabs phone* This is general Landry. I'm declaring a code red emergency. All personnel, evacuate the base immediately.
CARTER: Sir, the capacitors are overloading. We have to get out of here now.
LANDRY: Hurry.
Next shots are of outside the mountain, which suddenly blows up.
SCENE: Back in the briefing room, SG-1 stare in disbelief at Martin.
MARTIN: and that is the end of act two.
JACKSON: The mountain...blows up?
MARTIN: No possible hope for survival. Cool, huh? I just wrote it based on what's going on with the gate. I love it when art imitates life.
MITCHELL: Hang on... we're alive in the next scene.
MARTIN: Oh, I just haven't fixed that part yet. I'm thinking I can back-sell it and say you were beamed out at the last second.
JACKSON: Beamed out?
MARTIN: Sure. Why not?
TEAL'C: Is that not too convenient?
MARTIN: Not if you hang a lantern on it.
JACKSON: What's that?
MARTIN: It's a writer's term. Another character points out how convenient it is. Dr. Levant can say, "wow, that was great timing. That way the audience knows I intended for it to be convenient, and we move on.
MITCHELL: Really.
MARTIN: Okay, where were we?
TEAL'C: Scene 24.
MARTIN: Oh, great, one of my favorite scenes. Go ahead.
VALA: *clears throat* Um, interior bridge.
SCENE: Mitchell enters the Bridge, wearing something similar to the uniforms on Star trek.
VALA: [Voice over] The crew mans their stations...
CARTER: I'm picking up a strange energy anomaly, Colonel. It appears the singularity is about to explode.
TEAL'C: Weapons are at maximum.
JACKSON: *his hair has some grey through it, his voice is rough* Dammit, captain! *looks up* Solar flare. We've got a shock wave heading straight for us.
MITCHELL: Can you reverse the...polarity?
CARTER: *blinks, rapidly* I'll do my best.
MITCHELL: Engine room--warp speed!
SCENE: Engine room, Bob fiddles with a lot of buttons
MITCHELL: *on radio* Take us out of here...now.
Bob: *Strong Scottish accent* I'm giving it all I've got, captain, but you're expecting a bloody miracle.
JACKSON: [VOICE OVER] Wait- Hang on, hang on. Hang on
SCENE: Back in the briefing room.
MARTIN: What?
JACKSON: Okay, one…that's star trek. And two…it's ridiculous.
MARTIN: What's wrong with it?
CARTER: "The singularity is about to explode?"
MARTIN: Yes. *grins proudly*
CARTER: Everything about that statement is wrong.
JACKSON: How exactly is having weapons at maximum going to help the situation?
MARTIN: The audience isn't going to know the difference. They love "weapons at maximum."
MITCHELL: Never underestimate your audience. They're generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment.
TEAL'C: I do not understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode.
MARTIN: Look, you guys may all know how things really work out there in the galaxy, but I know the film business. Explosions make great trailers. Simple fact. *Jackson shakes his head and shares a look with Carter, who grins* More explosions, better trailer. Better trailer, more viewers. *Cell phone rings again* Yeah… go for Marty. Oh, hey, Nora… What? That's ridiculous. Tell them to stop panicking. We're gonna sign him. Don't worry. I already put in a call in to his manager. We'll get back to you. Yeah. Bye.
MITCHELL: So... trouble with Nora.
MARTIN: No. Nora--she's great. But since nick Marlowe is holding out, one of the new junior executives at the network has suggested we re-cast the whole movie with younger, edgier versions of the team. Can you imagine that? *Jackson's eyes drift upwards as if imagining it*
SCENE: On board a mother ship, a Young Teal'c with an afro, makes out with a young blondish woman. Until young Mitchell and Young Carter, run in and shoot her.
YOUNG TEAL'C: Yo, dawg, what'd you do that for?
YOUNG MITCHELL: *young Carter wraps her arms round Young Mitchell* Dude, that hot chick was so totally a Goa'uld!
YOUNG TEAL'C: Duh. I was still gonna tap that.
YOUNG MITCHELL: You don't appreciate me, do you?
YOUNG CARTER: *turns his head to her* I think you're so totally awesome. *and more making out*
YOUNG MITCHELL: That's what I'm talkin' about.
YOUNG TEAL'C: *pulls out his mobile* Yo, wonderbread, you got that address figured out yet?
SCENE: On the planets surface, Young Jackson and Vala work by the DHD.
YOUNG JACKSON: *on phone* Chill, T. I'm, like, translating as fast as I can.
YOUNG VALA: I'm so sick of being treated like some sort of object to be worshiped… I'm a real person with real feelings.
YOUNG JACKSON: You know, I don't think Mitchell likes me anymore.
YOUNG VALA: I'm pregnant. *Young Jackson's eyes widen*
SCENE: Back in the briefing room.
CARTER: *head resting on her hands* Uh-uh.
JACKSON: No.
MITCHELL: Nope.
MARTIN: *Teal'c just stares at him* I need a latte. *gets up, heading out*
VALA: *stands following* How about this one? We were in a cloaked cargo ship on a simple, three-hour reconnaissance mission, when—
MARTIN: *stops turning to her* Gilligan's island, right?
VALA: You got that from "three-hour reconnaissance mission"?
MARTIN: Piece of advice…if you're going to rip something off, think of something a little more obscure.
VALA: Oh, okay.
SCENE: Flashes on to the bridge of a ship a little like Moya from farscape, with a member of SG-1 taking on the persona of the show. The vessel is taking heavy damage.
VALA: {Aeryn} Call me fahrbot, *heads over to control panel* but they're gonna have our mivonks on a platter if we don't *gasps, as a man wraps his arms round her, It's Jackson, they look at each other passionately before she continues* starburst the draz out of here.
JACKSON: {Crichton} cluster's been damaged. We're not going anywhere.
CARTER: {Chiana} *walks on to the bridge, with the same walk as chiana, over to Teal'c* Oh, dren.
TEAL'C: {D'argo} Hezmana!
VALA: {Aeryn} *Ship is knocked sideways, Vala almost falling before Jackson drags her back to him* Frell!
MITCHELL: {Stark} *turns* Aw, son of a hazmot!
ASGARD: {Rygel} Yotz!
SCENE: Back to Vala and Martin, she grins at him, he nods.
MARTIN: Okay, you got me. I have no idea what that is.
VALA: hmmm
MARTIN: *cell phone rings* Oh, for crying out loud, what now? *reads* Oh, give me a break! *sighs, walks back over to the others* I just a got a text message from the studio. The foreign distributor went bankrupt. They're slashing my budget.
CARTER: In a text message?
MARTIN: This totally screws up the end of act three.
MITCHELL: What happens at the end of act three?
MARTIN: with these cuts, not much. Act three just ends. And cuts to Blank screen.
SCENE: A little later, Martin is discussing the script with Landry, Teal'c and Mitchell are reading by the briefing table. Jackson looks out on the gate, while Vala stands by him reading over the script again.
VALA: What's so bad about this?
JACKSON: *as Carter comes up the stairs* Any idea when we'll be able to go?
CARTER: Sorry. *walks over to Landry* We're trying a full reset of the system, sir.
VALA: *calls over Carter* Hey... *Carter walks over* if you want this to be more accurate, why don't you just give him your mission files?
CARTER: They're classified.
VALA: So? Didn't you say that no one on your planet would believe this was all real anyway?
CARTER: Even still, do you know how many mission files there are?
MITCHELL: 1,263. hopefully 64 by the end of the day.
JACKSON: Actually, it's 1,264, already. *Jackson, Carter and Vala turn to the other two.*
MITCHELL: No, it's 63, pretty sure, I've read all the files recently.
CARTER: Actually, you haven't read 30185.
MITCHELL: 30185? What's that?
JACKSON: We can't tell you.
MITCHELL: What do you mean you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind. *stands* What-- what is 30185?
CARTER: *very serious* We were sworn to secrecy.
MITCHELL: Well, why even mention it to me if you're not going to tell me what it is?
CARTER: *Shrugs* Sorry.
VALA: *smiles, looks at Jackson* Can you tell me?
JACKSON: Oh, yeah, we can tell you. *Vala grins excitedly*
CARTER: Well…It has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.
MITCHELL: Well, that can't have anything to do with me. I wasn't born till a year later.
JACKSON: Actually, it was nine months *telling Vala* before he was born.
MITCHELL: What?
CARTER: You have to remember it was the 60's. *Grins*
JACKSON: *Vala stares mouth wide* Come on, you have to have known that jack's always taken an interest in your life.
MITCHELL: Jack? O'Neill?
TEAL'C: Indeed.
CARTER: Do you remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you didn't think you should get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1?
VALA: *laughs* wait, are you saying that jack O'Neill is…
MITCHELL: my daddy? JACKSON: All starting to make sense now, isn't it?
TEAL'C: Hmm. *smiles looks at Mitchell*
MITCHELL: *looks at Teal'c, grins* Oh, I'm being punk'd, aren't I?
CARTER: We honestly can't tell you about 30185.
MITCHELL: okay…*nods, with an "I'm gonna get you back look"*
MARTIN: I can't believe it! The whole cast heard Marlowe is holding out for more money, and now they're all joining in. Where do they think it comes from? How am I supposed to do a movie without any actors?
MITCHELL: Carter, correct me if I'm wrong on this, but is it not a fact of parallel dimension physics that each of us exists somewhere in some universe in whatever way, shape, or form we can imagine?
CARTER: Anyway, shape, or form we can imagine. We've seen it for ourselves.
MITCHELL: There you go. Use your imagination.
SCENE: A clip from the film Stargate, at Giza, where the gate is lifted to an upright position, then a shot of the Gate being lowered into Cheyenne mountain. In the control room is a Puppet version of Hammond and Walter held up by strings.
PUPPET HAMMOND: All right, people. We created this multi-billion dollar facility under Cheyenne mountain so that we can use this thing… *turns to a group of puppet scientists* Anyone know how?
PUPPET WALTER: Uh, sir, we thought you knew.
PUPPET HAMMOND: I do know this…we need to put together a team, starting with the most beautiful, battle-ready scientific genius I know…*Puppet Carter enters* captain doctor Samantha Carter.
PUPPET CARTER: Reporting for duty, sir. *salutes*
PUPPET HAMMOND: What can you tell us, captain?
PUPPET CARTER: *walks over to computer* Well, at first glance, I suspect the device creates a stable wormhole between superconducting rings that have been placed in fixed positions elsewhere in the galaxy… *fades to Puppet Carter typing furiously at the computer* …converts matter into energy at the event horizon…once the initial vortex has subsided, of course…*fades*…and just because my sex organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean that I can't handle…*fades to typing again*…provided, of course, that sufficient energy has been channeled to the device and that the correct coordinates have been calculated. *turns to Puppet Hammond*
PUPPET HAMMOND: Okay, get to it. *Puppet Carter nods, leaves* Next, we need a bookworm adventurer who can say "brains" and "guts" in 27 languages...Dr. Daniel Jackson.
PUPPET JACKSON: *enters arms raised* Why have I been brought here? This is not a-…*drops his hands* ooh, what is that?
PUPPET HAMMOND: The reason you're here, doctor. This big ring was discovered in the sands of Egypt near Giza.
PUPPET JACKSON: *walks over* Then I was right. The pyramids really were landing sites for interplanetary starships that enslaved primitive human populations by posing as their gods. *in the background we see Puppet Carter and Puppet Frasier*
PUPPET HAMMOND: *blinks* Well…we found the ring in the sand.
PUPPET JACKSON: These symbols, *looking at the gate* they look familiar. They're like constellations. Don't you see? Here. *walks over to whiteboard, grabs pen* If each symbol represents a specific point in space, then six of them would create a sort of box. The intersection point between those six points would indicate a destination. Maybe, just maybe, the seventh marks the starting point. *Whiteboard just looks like a bunch of scribbles* Is there a monitor that shows these symbols in detail?
PUPPET WALTER: Over here, Dr. Jackson. *They walk over to the computer, Walter typing as the symbols come up, when the Earth's Point of origin comes on the screen*
PUPPET JACKSON: Wait. This one seems different. *scribbles on screen* You found the ring in Egypt…the pyramid represents earth. This symbol has to be the point of origin.
PUPPET HAMMOND: It was under our noses the whole time.
PUPPET WALTER: I feel so stupid.
PUPPET HAMMOND: And now what this team needs is a leader, someone who'll laugh in the face of his enemy, even when it's inappropriate. Colonel jack O'Neill.
PUPPET O'NEILL: I thought I told you I retired.
PUPPET HAMMOND: Oh. I thought you said you were tired.
PUPPET O'NEILL: Well, as a matter of fact, I am a little…tired.
PUPPET HAMMOND: There's no time for that now. You have a mission to lead.
PUPPET O'NEILL: Right!
PUPPET HAMMOND: Sergeant? Make it spin.
PUPPET WALTER: Spin? Sir, it doesn't spin.
PUPPET HAMMOND: What? It has to spin. It's round. Spinning is so much cooler than not spinning. I'm the general. I want it to spin. Now!
PUPPET WALTER: Yes, sir. *types, Gate spins* Hey, look at that.
SCENE: In the Gate room, Puppets O'Neill, Carter and Jackson stand at the base of the ramp, geared up as the Gate spins.
PUPPET WALTER: Chevron one is lit up.
PUPPET CARTER: I wonder what we're going to find on the other side.
PUPPET JACKSON: Whatever it is, I'll bet it's amazing.
PUPPET O'NEILL: Well, don't get too excited. It's just a simple recon.
PUPPET CARTER: Aren't you the least bit curious about what's out there?
PUPPET O'NEILL: Well, I'm just hoping we find some new meat for the team, preferably something…bald…mysterious...you know, the warrior type, with lots of, you know, muscles…
PUPPET CARTER: sir, the odds against any alien lifeforms we encounter looking remotely human are astronomical.
PUPPET O'NEILL: Yeah, well...we'll see.
PUPPET WALTER: Chevron seven…also lit up.
PUPPET O'NEILL: *Gate activates and the Team stares in disbelief* Holy…
PUPPET HAMMOND: Colonel O'Neill, you have a go. Godspeed.
PUPPET O'NEILL: Easy for him to say. *they head up the ramp* Okay, we're all going to do this together, on three, right? Right…Okay…One…two…three! *they all step through, the gate disengages, cutting the puppet's strings*
PUPPET HAMMOND: Dear god in heaven.
PUPPET WALTER: I feel so stupid.
SCENE: Offworld, the three puppets exit the wormhole and collapse on top of each other, unable to live without their strings. Puppet Teal'c walks forward and Laughs.
SCENE: Back in the briefing room.
MARTIN: *sarcastic* Yeah, that'll work. A whole movie made with puppets.
MITCHELL: Hey, I'm just saying--
MARTIN: maybe we can have puppet O'Neill jump over a puppet shark on a one-third scale motorcycle.
VALA: *turns to Mitchell* I don't get it. *Mitchell shrugs*
MARTIN: Look, you don't know the business like I do. I don't have any money, so I have to give the actors something else.
CARTER: Bigger trailers?
MARTIN: I can't afford that either. No, I have to give them something that costs me nothing but no actor can refuse.
MITCHELL: And what's that?
MARTIN: A good ego stroking. I have to make them think that I re-wrote the script just for them. In this draft, there has to be something that makes them want to do this movie even if it's for scale.
MITCHELL: You know, we've been trying here. You're not listening.
MARTIN: No…I'm talking about a twist *they all drop their heads* something nobody's expecting.
O'NEILL: *walking in* You mean something like this? *waves*
VALA: *they all perk up* Wow, I don't think anyone will see that coming.
JACKSON: No, there'll be spoilers.
CARTER: *nods* Are you kidding? It'll be in the commercial.
SCENE: Teal'c walks down the street dressed with a hat and long coat.
NARRATOR: When it comes to fighting crime, there's only one man keepin' the streets safe…while keepin' it real.
Next shot shows a glass door, reading Teal'c PI. A man goes flying through smashing the glass.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
NARRATOR: Teal'c, P.I. Coming this fall.
SCENE: Teal'c has taken Martin aside to tell him his idea, Martin stares, shifts uneasy.
MARTIN: I love it. *Teal'c grins, nods* I'm just not sure if the network *Teal'c gives an angry look*…but I'll pitch it to them next week, an-an-and…and we'll see what they think…*Cell phone rings* Oh, I have to get that. We'll talk later. *heads off* You got Marty.
MITCHELL: So what brings you this way, sir?
O'NEILL: What, a guy can't just stop by from Malibu to say hi?
CARTER: Malibu?
O'NEILL: Sure. I was there on…business.
CARTER: *not buying it, and not looking too happy about it either* exactly, sir. You're an air force general with enormous responsibilities.
O'NEILL: Ostensibly, I just stopped by to see how you were doing with Marty. *they all sit silently* Well, truth be known that…uh, lately, I've been feeling a little…*waves* what…how do I say it?
CARTER: It's okay to say that you missed us, sir.
O'NEILL: No, not that.
JACKSON: Like you have unfinished business?
O'NEILL: Okay.
MITCHELL: You need closure and I have the perfect thing. We're about to go on a mission to commemorate my 200th trip through the gate.
O'NEILL: Really? 200, you say?
CARTER: That's 200 times he's stepped through the gate, sir, not actual missions.
O'NEILL: To be honest, I wouldn't mind one last jaunt through the old orifice. *points at the gate, they all frown* What? We call it that sometimes, don't we? Orifice? *Carter shares a look with Jackson*
MARTIN: *walks over* Stupid focus groups! They hate the ending. I have to think of something new.
O'NEILL: They could go fishing.
MARTIN: Fishing?
O'NEILL: Yeah, it would be the perfect ending. I mean, after that, anything else would seem...pointless
SCENE: In Minnesota, Jack's cabin. A fishing line arcs out into the water. The camera lifts up from the water and we see that O'Neill and Carter are sitting side by side on the pier, fishing.
CARTER: This is great.
O'NEILL: I told ya!
Carter and O'Neill smile at each other, Behind them, Daniel and Teal'c arrive, carrying a cooler box between them and each holding a folding chair in their free hand. A fish jumps up and back into the water. On another side of the water, Mitchell and Vala fish too.
MITCHELL: Yup, it's good to be here. *throws his line out again*
SCENE: Back in the briefing room
O'NEILL: You weren't there.
MARTIN: So, what's the twist? No fish? No…I need something with more impact, something more…moving.
VALA: *smacks Jackson's arm, grinning* Everyone loves a wedding. *he gives her a look*
SCENE: Sound of an Organ playing, A beautiful garden, a small crowd gather in their seats, sounds of sniffling. Landry look at Walter.
WALTER: *dabs eye* uh…It's just a summer cold, sir.
MITCHELL: *whispers to Teal'c* A bit of a wait.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
JACKSON: *O'Neill claps his hands together, taking a deep breath, breathing out, Jackson clears his throat* You know, if she doesn't show, people are going to think that you and I are…
O'NEILL: *looks at him…* what? *Jackson looks away just as an Asgard beams down, followed by Carter, in a wedding dress, and Vala as her bridesmaid, everyone claps*
O'NEILL: *looks up the aisle, turns to Carter* Nice entrance.
CARTER: *smiles* Sorry, sir.
O'NEILL: *waves* Carter...
CARTER: Jack.
O'NEILL: Thank you.
ASGARD: Shall we begin?
SCENE: Carter looks at O'Neill, a little expectantly, small smile. O'Neill glances at her, shifts, opens mouth to say…
MARTIN: Yeah, right, if I want to torture the audience on purpose.
LANDRY: *walks up stairs* The gate is back up and running. General.
O'NEILL: General.
MITCHELL: *they all start to rush out* With permission...?
MARTIN: But…but I still don't have my ending!
SCENE: The gate dials up, with SG-1 and O'Neill, geared up and ready.
LANDRY: You keep these kids out of trouble, jack.
O'NEILL: Here's an idea, hank. Why don't you come along with us?
LANDRY: nah…no…*grins*
O'NEILL: nah… seriously.
LANDRY: I don't think so.
O'NEILL: Yeah, come on…
LANDRY: Huh?
O'NEILL: It'll be kind of like a special occasion deal.
LANDRY: Aw, what the hell.
O'NEILL: Yeah, that's it.
LANDRY: *shouts up to the control room* Hey, Walter! Come on, we're all going.
WALTER: I don't have the right outfit.
O'NEILL: You look fine!
Walter grins, nods, heads out of the control room, as he enters the Gateroom he has very quickly changed into offworld uniform. Gate activates.
LANDRY: *quietly* Everything ready?
WALTER: SG's 3 through 18 are waiting, sir.
LANDRY: The cake?
WALTER: It's all set. Balloons, streamers, the works.
MITCHELL: All right, let's go check out the mysteries of P2C-106.
O'NEILL: *nods, shares a smile with Carter, looks up to control room, where Martin waits talking on his cell phone* Hey, Marty. Why don't you come with us? Maybe find a little inspiration for the *using rabbit fingers* "end" of your little "movie."
MARTIN: um…I can't. I just heard from the studio. The movie's been canceled.
O'NEILL: Oh, there's some heartbreaking.
VALA: Oh, that's too bad.
MARTIN: Not for me. They decided to renew the series instead!
O'NEILL: Okay. Let's move out.
As they walk up the ramp to the Gate the original SG-1 takes the lead, Vala, Mitchell and Landry following, and finally Walter.
WORMHOLE!
SCENE: TEN YEARS LATER On the set of Wormhole Extreme, the team look into the woods.
DIRECTOR: And...cut! *bell rings*
Gunne heads off, Marlowe's replacement looks at Anders, then at Reese, completely ignoring her.
REPLACEMENT: Good job, Doug. Ocean.
OCEAN: Thanks.
REPLACEMENT: Well, that wasn't so bad.
DIRECTOR: And that's a cut, everybody. That is a wrap on the 200th episode! *All Clap*
REESE: Yahoo!
MARTIN: Nice job, everybody.
DIRECTOR: *puts his arm round Reese walking with Martin* So, uh, did you ever think a show like this would go on for 200?
MARTIN: Well, sure. What do you mean, a show like this? *Cell phone rings* Martin Lloyd. Yeah. Are you kidding? *hangs up* Hey, everybody. Guess what. The movie's back on! *Everyone cheers*
SCENE: Various Interviews
MARTIN: Wow, 10 seasons, seven Saturn awards for best cable or syndication science fiction show...*holds up hands* who would have guessed? I think, first and foremost, it has to do with the… you know, with the writing. *laughs* Obviously, we don't take ourselves too seriously…
REESE: oh, the writers are really great guys, all of them. Men... you know. Yeah, it's a bit of a…boys' club.
REPLACEMENT: The…the real challenge was coming up with a…a good catch phrase. "It's what I do."…"It's what I do." That was so, you know…good. It defined Colonel Danning.
REESE: *leans forward, quietly* I just don't think they know what they want to do with my character. I probably should have taken up golf…a long time ago. Just…just kidding.
REPLACEMENT: And I needed something even better to make you forget about the guy that fans loved to watch for the first seven years of the show… I know he was here for eight, but…you know, a lot of people say he just kind of phoned it in that last season.
GUNNE: Oh…*small laugh* Yeah, well, that's ancient history. We don't talk about that around here. The fact of the matter is, I don't really even know what happened there. You know…I…to me, it never felt like I was leaving the show. I just needed a little space, a little time, you know? I wanted to get back to my roots-- theater. So I go to new York. Did a little Broadway, off-off-Broadway. Either way, it doesn't matter. It was acting, you know, acting without having people hurling papier-mâché boulders at you all [Beep] Day. It was great, you know? I like 'em both. I like boulders. I'm fine with that.
MARTIN: This production runs like a well-oiled machine… and sure, that starts from the top, but, I mean, we all love this show—the…uh gaffers, the lighting guy, the…uh medic, makeup, and the caterers. It's like a family.
REPLACEMENT: The writers were trying to come up with a catch phrase. "I can get behind that!" Was uh… something we tried for a while.
REESE: Anyway, I mean, I'd actually like to do some writing... maybe have a baby?
REPLACEMENT: Pshh! It just hit me. Sweet [Lots of Beeping]." And we can get away with that, too, because it's cable.
GUNNE: You can't get there without the fans, right. I have to thank them. I've got to thank specifically the ones…oh, god, what's it called? Uh, the... saveDr.Levant.Com. Have you seen the site? I mean, it's insane. Apparently they get dozens of hits a month, whatever. I think that's a lot. But between them and the ad in variety that they put out, I'm pretty sure that went a long way towards convincing the producers to take me back--…have me-- to invite me back. It wasn't their decision, you know. They called, said, "do you want it?" You know, and I was ready.
MARTIN: What I think really makes the show what it is…is the chemistry with the cast. *cell phone rings* Yeah, oh, could you hold on? Stop the tape. *fades* Who does he think he is? Well, you tell that ungrateful little [Beep] Bag to shove it up his [Beep]. Yeah, yeah, let him try to get a job that pays this much. *hangs up* You weren't rolling, were—okay. Um, what-- what was I saying? Oh, oh, yes, the cast.
REPLACEMENT: *he turns, shocked* Holy [lots more beeping] That would like be a nineteen…
GUNNE: That's it we good? Alright…can I get my f[beep]ing sandwich please…right thanks man *leaves*
ANDERS: Science-fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blind critics and philosophers of today, but the core of science fiction, it's essence has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all.
END
Source: Stargate Fusion.
