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Note: The wormhole x-treme team are referred to in context. For example if Michael DeLuise is playing the actor Nick Marlowe he is called Marlowe. If he is in character, as Marlowe as Danning he is referred to as Danning. They are still the same guy, Michael DeLuise though, not two separate actors. Hopefully it's not too confusing as they do switch quickly.
Previously on Stargate SG1- Point of No return
A ship starts to power up and move.
Scene: Cheyenne Mountain, Briefing Room
Sam is stood up with a tape and Hammond, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c are sat round the table.
CARTER: Early this morning, approximately 0230, the Kepler space probe captured this image as it passed by Mars.
HAMMOND: What is it?
CARTER: Well, sir, at first the people down at JPL thought it was an asteroid. But then they started picking up some strange energy readings. They tracked the object and realised it was changing course and accelerating.
O'NEILL: Asteroids don't normally do that.
CARTER: No sir. The only logical conclusion is that it's a ship.
HAMMOND: Do we have any way of identifying it?
CARTER: As a matter of fact, we do. The energy signature is consistent with a technology we've encountered before. A year ago, we found this pod buried in a field near Billings, Montana.
DANIEL: What you mean the little guy with the clothes and the glasses and.... I thought his ship was destroyed?
O'NEILL: No, he said they came down in a pod after abandoning the ship. He never said what happened to it after that.
CARTER: Well if it is his ship we'd better talk to him. Because it's on a course for Earth and it'll be here in three days.
TEAL'C: Then we must locate Martin Lloyd immediately.
Scene: Studio Set
A group of people hide between some rocks while they are under fire.
DANNING: Hurry up Major, we need that force shield!
MONROE: I'm trying sir, but something's nullifying the electrolyte composite on the shield generator!
LEVANT: Try reversing the polarity.
MONROE: It's not working.
DANNING: What do you mean it's not working?
MONROE: I mean, it's not working.
DANNING: God help us!
DELUISE: Buy it! Dededededede. Anddd cut!
The actors get up.
Martin and Peter DeLuise are standing by a screen.
MARTIN: What? That was awful. We have to do it again.
DELUISE: Check the gate. We are moving on. Print everything! Nice job, people. Good moves.
MARTIN: Yeah, um, ah. Yeah, ah, ah, great job everybody. Yeah.
Martin walks off.
Scene: Briefing room
SG1 are watching the screen.
ANNOUNCER: Prepare for an X-treme adventure. Four X-cellent heroes in an X-traordinary new sci-fi series. Starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning.
We see Danning take out two bad guys.
DANNING: As a matter of fact it does say Colonel on my uniform.
We see Danning grab an alien woman.
DANNING: It's what I do.
He kisses her.
ANNOUNCER: Yolanda Reese as the brilliant Major Stacey Monroe.
MONROE: The pulse drive field emitters are off line but I can compensate by generating a feed back loop.
ANNOUNCER: Raymond Gunne as Dr Levant.
LEVANT: Dammit Colonel, just because they're aliens and their skulls are transparent, doesn't mean that they don't have rights!
ANNOUNCER: And introducing Douglas Anders as Grell the robot. Wormhole X-treme, coming this fall only on...
Hammond switches the tape off.
DANIEL: Well that looked familiar.
O'NEILL: I don't see it.
CARTER: Martin's involved in this?
HAMMOND: He sold the idea to the studio. He's currently working on production as a creative consultant.
TEAL'C: Then Martin Lloyd has seriously breached your security.
HAMMOND: Not necessarily.
DANIEL: What? He obviously got the whole thing from his knowledge of the Stargate program.
O'NEILL: If the Air Force didn't want it to happen they wouldn't have let it go this far.
HAMMOND: Plausible deniability. In the event of a future breach of security, we'll be able to point to this television programme. That is, if it stays on the air.
O'NEILL: Still doesn't change the fact that Marty sold us out.
HAMMOND: His motivations are of little concern at the moment. Our first priority is to find out everything he knows about that ship. Colonel, you're Wormhole X-treme's new Air Force consultant.
Scene: Studio lot
Peter DeLuise is supervising an explosion.
DELUISE: Nononono. Bigger. Much bigger.
We move on to a man and woman.
BILL: Copy that. Okay so tomorrow we've got 46 extras, make sure everybody's ready to cope with that. Hair, make up, wardrobe, costumes. And props. Has the props show and tell happened yet?
The woman he is talking to shakes her head.
BILL: Oh man. He's gonna freak.
Jack walks up.
O'NEILL: Excuse me? Do you know where I could find a Martin Lloyd? He's one of the bigwigs around here.
BILL: Copy that. (to Jack) Sorry?
O'NEILL: Martin Lloyd?
BILL: Oh yeah. Over there, by the trailers.
O'NEILL: Thank you.
Jack walks off.
BILL: Who's that guy?
The woman shrugs her shoulders.
Scene: Martin's trailer.
Martin comes out and sees a green alien woman and another woman.
MARTIN: Oh, they went with green? Okay, well it looks good.
The women walk off. A prop guy walks past with a pineapple.
MARTIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?
PROPS GUY: It's fruit. Scene 23.
MARTIN: Okay, scene 23 takes place on another planet. You think aliens eat apples?
PROPS GUY: Why not? They speak English.
MARTIN: Get some Kiwi's and spray paint them red.
PROPS GUY: Okay, so now we go... Nick walks into the garden of Kiwi trees, says 'How like Eden this world is' and bites into a painted Kiwi?
MARTIN: Okay you're the prop master right? So you're a master of props. So, figure it out.
Prop guy walks off.
MARTIN: That's what you're wearing? Okay. Looks good.
Jack walks up.
MARTIN: Yeah, yeah. Can I help you?
Martin looks at him.
O'NEILL: Colonel Jack O'Neill. United States Air Force.
MARTIN: Yeahyeahyeahyeah. You're the new military technical advisor. Listen, don't speak to the actors.
O'NEILL: Martin, it's Jack. Remember last year, Billings, Montana?
MARTIN: I've never been to Montana. But I am going to Sundance this year.
O'NEILL: What about the name Tanner? Dr Tanner? Hammond, Carter... Murray?
MARTIN: Sorry. Listen, I've got a concept meeting in ten minutes and if I'm not there on time...well they start without me. But come back tomorrow and I'll show you round.
Martin walks off. Jack looks around and goes into his trailer.
Scene: Studio Lot
Peter DeLuise is supervising an explosion.
DELUISE: No. Look at my lips. Bigger.
Scene: Martin's trailer
Jack is on the phone to Hammond. Scene flicks between Jack and Hammond and the rest of SG1.
HAMMOND: What have you got for us, Colonel?
O'NEILL: Well here's news. I think Martin's had his memory erased again. He claims he doesn't remember me or anything about last year.
DANIEL: Tanner and his boys must have gotten to him first.
O'NEILL: Yeah, well I checked out his trailer. Didn't find any medication but there are a lot of vitamins.
HAMMOND: Send in a sample for analysis. In the meantime, keep an eye on Martin.
O'NEILL: Yes sir.
Jack hangs up the phone.
Scene: SGC Briefing room
CARTER: Sir, if Tanner and his men are involved, Colonel O'Neill could use some backup.
HAMMOND: I agree with you Major. You leave in one hour.
Danning is talking to an alien princess and there are dead aliens on the floor.
PRINCESS: I cannot thank you enough Colonel. It has been many bleems since my people were enslaved by the minions of Lord Varlock.
DANNING: Hey it's what I do...
He trips on a dead body.
MARLOWE: ...do. Hey this isn't working!
A clapperboard is clapped right in front of Danning's face.
DELUISE: Nick, what's up?
MARLOWE: This is supposed to be a love scene and we're walking through all these dead aliens.
DELUISE: Uh, right, well it's continuity. You just killed them all.
MARLOWE: Yeah, yeah, well. Can't we walk somewhere else?
DELUISE: Well Nick, there is no somewhere else. This is the planet we have, between here and here. It's all the set there is. And the reality of the scene dictates that there be dead aliens because you just killed them.
COOPER: We could always go back to the way it was in the script.
DELUISE: No, we can't. We've already established that one shot stuns and two shot's kills. Nick just shot everybody twice.
MARTIN: So three shots disintegrates them.
DELUISE: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say.
MARTIN: Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? Why are you even on set? Go write something.
MARLOWE: Ooh. What colour is the beam from the ray gun?
MARTIN: We can't afford a beam. Sound effects.
DELUISE: It'll be great. You'll see. Reset.
BILL: Back to one.
DELUISE: Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. Gonna be in close up. The dead aliens will be below frame.
MARLOWE: The audience is gonna know they're there.
DELUISE: Okay. Kill the dead aliens. Aliens off the set.
BILL: Aliens off the set.
The extras all get up. Man with a megaphone shouts at one still lying there and we see he is a dummy when someone comes to pick him up.
Marlowe is talking to himself, practising the emphasis on his lines.
MARLOWE: HEY, it's what I do. IT'S what I do. It's what I DO.
He sees Jack.
MARLOWE: You're the new military advisor?
O'NEILL: Yes sir.
MARLOWE: You're the real deal, huh? You seen action?
O'NEILL: That would be classified.
MARLOWE: Oh, I like that. Sorta like a yes but really a no. This is realistic right? He uniform? Camouflage?
O'NEILL: Oh yeah. You don't want to be a target out there in... space.
MARLOWE: That's exactly what I said so why aren't the aliens ever in camouflage?
MARTIN: Oh I fought for that, uh, Nick. But the studio wants the aliens seen.
MARLOWE: An alien wouldn't wanna be seen, Martin. Think.
O'NEILL: Maybe that's why they're dead?
MARLOWE: That helps me. Thanks.
DELUISE: Can we do this?
BILL: Doing this.
Nick turns round and we see a big X on his back.
MARTIN: With the X, I know what you are thinking. It's a marketing thing. You see, I wanted to call the show `Going to other planets' but research says that shows with X in the name get better ratings.
DELUISE: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd action!
MAN1: The ship's on schedule. Preparations for departure are almost complete. There's only one problem.
TANNER: This is gonna complicate matters.
He sees a picture of Jack talking to Martin.
Scene: Hammond's Office
Hammond is on the phone and Janet is waiting outside.
HAMMOND: Very well, you have my authorisation to begin surveillance.
He waves Janet in.
HAMMOND: Keep a low profile Major, we don't want to show our hand.
He puts the phone down.
HAMMOND: Dr Fraiser.
FRAISER: Surveillance on Martin Lloyd I assume?
HAMMOND: His house actually. To help determine whether his old friends have returned.
HAMMOND: The idea is to determine whether Tanner and the other aliens have been watching Martin. Major Carter and Dr Jackson will try to intercept frequencies being broadcast from inside his house.
FRAISER: Oh, so like a surveillance surveillance.
HAMMOND: In a manner of speaking. Are those the test results from the vitamins Colonel O'Neill found in Martin's trailer?
FRAISER: Yes sir. They contain a significant amount of the chemical that Tanner used to block Martin's memory before.
HAMMOND: Which confirms what we already suspected.
FRAISER: Mmm hmm.
HAMMOND: The question is what do they want Martin to forget?
Scene: Bridge Studios
Reese is walking towards Martin and Peter DeLuise
REESE: Excuse me.
DELUISE: Because it undermines my authority that's why?
MARTIN: Ah Miss Reese.
REESE: Ah I'm having a little trouble with Scene 27. It says that I'm out of phase which means I can pass my hand through solid matter or I can walk through walls.
DELUISE: Yeah. Cause you're out of phase.
REESE: How come I don't fall through the floor?
Martin and Peter stop. They look at each other and then back to Reese.
MARTIN: We're gonna have to get back to you on that one.
She walks off past Jack.
She goes to the food and then walks off.
Teal'c is seen walking with a tray and people are turning their noses up at the sandwiches. He then goes over to Jack.
O'NEILL: No takers?
TEAL'C; This crew does not appear to enjoy the traditional dishes of Chulak.
O'NEILL: Showbiz huh?
MALLOZZI: Hey! What happened to all the doughnuts?
TEAL'C: They were consumed by the drivers before they retired to sleep. We wish to converse privately.
The two men just stand there.
TEAL'C: Leave us!
O'NEILL: Carter and Daniel?
TEAL'C: The investigation is ongoing.
Scene: Martin's House
Sam and Daniel are in a surveillance truck outside.
DANIEL: Are you sure the signal's coming from inside Martin's house?
CARTER: I've gone over the triangulation three times. I just have to match the frequency. Hold it, I've got something.
She pulls up pictures of Martin's house.
DANIEL: Hidden cameras.
CARTER: Just like last time.
Jack, Peter DeLuise, Martin are talking to a big wig.
BIGWIG: Look, I know it says he's weightless in the script but look what happens when I scratch out the word weightless. You see, he no longer becomes weightless. He just becomes.
DELUISE: Okay fine. Good, but how else does Colonel Danning get past the giant alien guard?
O'NEILL: Why doesn't he just shoot him?
BIGWIG: Who is this?
O'NEILL: Colonel Jack O'Neill.
MARTIN: He's the new Air Force technical advisor. He doesn't know he's not supposed to say anything yet.
BIGWIG: You're telling me an Air Force officer can shoot a giant alien without having to be weightless?
O'NEILL: Sure, why not?
BIGWIG: You know, I'd like to hear `sure, why not' a little more around here. Now the space ship in scene 53..
He makes a cut motion.
MARTIN: We have to see the ship, it's crucial to the episode.
BIGWIG: We're gonna see it in their reactions. It's like 'Oh my God, look at that ship. It's indescribable'. All right, you can do it for 5 thousand dollars less, you can keep it in. Are we done? I have a tee time.
DELUISE: Marty has a problem with the scene in Act 3.
BIGWIG: Oh is that a fact Marty?
MARTIN: You have two way travel through a wormhole.
DeLuise shrugs and mouths `I know'
MARTIN: That's impossible. Matter can only move one way through an open wormhole. The scene is scientifically unsound.
BIGWIG: Okay, show of hands. Who here has won a Cable Ace award?
He raises his hand. No one else does.
BIGWIG: Thank you.
He starts to walk off. Then turns to Jack.
BIGWIG: Oh. Nice save with the shooting the giant alien being. Clever.
DELUISE: Billy, make it go.
BILL: Making it go, sweetie. Back to work folks.
Martin and Jack walk outside.
MARTIN: You know, I am the creative consultant on this show, which means nothing should happen creatively without me being consulted.
O'NEILL: He consulted you, he just didn't listen.
MARTIN: You know what he worked on before this? A show about a talking dog who solves crimes. So what if they had a hundred episodes?
MARTIN: Yes. Poochinsky.
O'NEILL: Great show. Hey Marty, what makes you so sure matter can only travel one way through a wormhole?
MARTIN: I don't know, I must have read it somewhere.
O'NEILL: And this secret Government team that goes to other planets, where'd that come from?
MARTIN: Oh it's based on a story I wrote last year, I couldn't get it published, I was just about ready to give up and I got a call from the studio. To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure how they got their hands on it.
O'NEILL: So you just made it up?
MARTIN: Never ask a writer where he gets his ideas. In truth, we don't know.
Martin walks off. Jack's phone rings.
CARTER: Colonel, we were right. Tanner and the others have Martin under surveillance again. It can't be a coincidence Sir, it has to have something to do with the arrival of that ship.
O'NEILL: All right, they may have tried to infiltrate the studio. I'll see what I can dig up.
MAN: Fire in the hole!
There's an explosion behind Jack.
DELUISE: Bigger! What is it about the word bigger that you don't understand?
Scene: Front Gate of Bridge Studios
The woman is reading `Dust off that old screenplay and sell it' By Robert Cooper.
Jack walks in.
WOMAN: The auditions are in the building over there.
O'NEILL: I'm not auditioning. I'm with the Air Force. Colonel Jack O'Neill. Really. Do you keep a record of everyone who comes and goes through here? It's for a security check. One of our General's is doing a guest spot on the show. A small but pivotal role.
WOMAN: I've got the licence plates of every vehicle that comes and goes through here on file.
O'NEILL: Great. Would you mind emailing them to that address?
He hands her a card.
WOMAN: Okay. Sure.
O'NEILL: Thank you. I like the uniform.
Scene: Surveillance Truck
Sam and Daniel are looking through the files of studio personnel.
DANIEL: Why would somebody with two Ph.d's become a teamster?
CARTER: Must be the money, I guess. Wait a minute, this guy looks familiar.
She pulls up the record of a Steve Austin.
DANIEL: You're right. That's one of Tanner's men.
CARTER: According to this, he's a production assistant named Steve Austin. I think we'd better pay Steve a little visit.
A car pulls up and a man gets out. It's Steve Austin. Sam peers round a corner.
CARTER: He's on his way up. (on Radio)
DANIEL: Copy. (On radio)
Daniel is on the stairs an watches him enter his apartment. Sam comes up the stairs. She knocks on his door.
She tries the door and it's open. They go inside. Daniel goes onto the balcony and they find he is not there.
DANIEL: So. Where the hell'd he go?
DANNING: Princess, I've seen a lot over the years. The crystal rivers of Arradel. The blue volcanoes of Kashtorem, even the star fires of Grablack 6. None of it compares to you.
They start to kiss and a phone rings.
MARLOWE: What was that? Who was that?
BILL: Tail slate.
MARLOWE: I want a name.
O'NEILL: It's me. Sorry to...
MARLOWE: No problem. I'm sure it's important.
BILL: That's lunch.
MARLOWE: Let me show you something in my trailer. (To Princess actress)
Jack moves off to answer the call.
CARTER: I don't know what happened Sir, we lost him. One minute he was here, the next minute he was gone.
O'NEILL: Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.
CARTER: We do have one lead though. Before he left, he made a quick phone call. We traced it to a warehouse on the East Side.
O'NEILL: Bring backup this time.
CARTER: Sir we don't have a lot of time before the ship enters orbit. You'll have to confront Martin.
O'NEILL: Yeah, I will.
Jack sees the make up people trying to get Grell the robot to lift one eyebrow and using wire to do it.
Scene: Martin, and two bigwigs move away from the catering truck towards a limo. I think one is Hank Cohen from MGM.
COHEN: You know I was thinking, you know what this show needs? A sexy female alien. Trust me.
O'NEILL: Marty? You got a second?
MARTIN: Well now's not really a good time, I'm supposed to have....
The limo roars off without Martin.
MARTIN: Okay, now's good.
Scene: Martin's trailer
Jack is reading Martin's book.
O'NEILL: The Colonel stood before the vertical shimmering pool of light fascinated by the dancing ripples in the event horizon. What mysteries lay beyond this mystical portal, what wonders awaited him and his band of stalwart cohorts?
MARTIN: Pretty good, huh?
O'NEILL: Damn good.
MARTIN: The only difference from the original story is that there was a fifth member of the team. He was a handsome, smooth talking alien who was stranded on Earth when his crew deserted him. The producers made me cut that part out.
O'NEILL: And you have no clue where you got this idea?
MARTIN: Well, like I said...
O'NEILL: Martin, it's all true.
MARTIN: What are you talking about?
O'NEILL: Wormholes. Travelling to other planets. It's all real. I command a unit called SG-1. It's the advanced team of a secret military operation. We explore the universe through a device called the Stargate.
MARTIN: The crew put you up to this, didn't they?
O'NEILL: Here's the kicker, Marty. You know all about it. You've been through the Stargate. Unfortunately you've had your memory erased.
MARTIN: So what, I'm a member of this SG-1?
MARTIN: Then how do I know about it?
O'NEILL: Because you're not just interested in outer space, you're from outer space.
MARTIN: Is this a pitch?
MARTIN: Alien crash lands. We have to find him before it's too late only his memory's been erased.
MARTIN: No, no, it's not bad. If we just add a twist.
His beeper goes off.
MARTIN: I'm needed on the set. Why don't you type up what you have and I'll take a look at the coverage on it. Oh, no promises.
Martin walks out.
Sam and Daniel get out of the truck.
AIRMAN: Perimeter's secure Major. We're awaiting your orders.
CARTER: Let's move in.
AIRMAN: Move in. Move in.
They all move in.
Scene: Inside the warehouse.
There are people in black looking at all the equipment.
CARTER: Nobody move.
The men get out guns.
CARTER: Drop you weapons! Drop them!
AIRMAN: Lower your weapons.
BARRETT: You drop your weapons, now.
CARTER: I'm Major Samantha Carter, United States Air Force.
BARRETT: And I'm Agent Malcolm Barrett, NID.
Everyone lowers their weapons.
AIRMAN: NID? Major, what the hell's going on here?
CARTER: We've been set up.
Martin walks onto an empty set.
MARTIN: Hello. Someone paged me to Stage 6? Hello?
He tries to leave but finds the door locked.
He carries on walking down what looks like a Goa'uld mothership corridor set. There's a noise so he turns back.
O'NEILL: Marty, relax. What's going on?
MARTIN: I guess the crew's just playing an affectionate prank by paging me to a stage we're not shooting on. It happens all the time, it's out of respect.
The lights go out.
MARTIN: Hey, nice one guys.
Jack gets his gun out of his ankle holster.
O'NEILL: All right, stay with me.
They start to move and Jack throws his hat down. They then come across Tanner.
TANNER: Hello, Colonel.
Two other men come up behind with guns.
O'NEILL: Tanner, I presume?
MARTIN: Is he with you?
TANNER: Don't worry Martin, everything will become clear in time. Gentlemen, the Colonel's weapon.
Jack gives it up.
Jack and Martin are tied to chairs.
MARTIN: This is really bad.
MARTIN: They're shooting the big finale this afternoon. I have to be there.
O'NEILL: Yeah, I can see how that would be high on your list of priorities, right now.
MARTIN: Couldn't you have dealt with these guys on you own? Did you have to drag me into it?
O'NEILL: Marty. You are the reason we're here.
MARTIN: Don't start with that outer space stuff again.
O'NEILL: Martin, the vitamins you've been taking are laced with a chemical that's been suppressing your memory. I had `em analysed.
MARTIN: Okay, fine. I'm an alien. Whatever.
O'NEILL: They are aliens too. They're from your planet.
MARTIN: Okay, that is the stupidest Act 4 opening ever. You should stick with the Air Force Colonel, a writer you're not.
The door opens. Tanner and his men walk in.
O'NEILL: Hey, how go the travel plans? Space ship on time and all. I only ask cos I care.
Tanner gets out a medical bag.
MARTIN: Guys, I'm kinda out of the loop here. Since I work in the television business and I don't really know anything, I was wondering if you would consider letting me go because... oh.
Martin sees a big needle.
MARTIN: I'm hoping that's your insulin shot.
Tanner goes to Martin and roles up his sleeve.
MARTIN: Honestly, needles make me kinda queasy.
TANNER: Don't worry Martin. Just a little something to help you remember.
MARTIN: Ooh. Just tell me what you want me to remember and I'll remember it.
He injects him.
MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, we'll rewrite it. It'll be great.
Sam is on the phone, Daniel is playing with some scissors.
BARRETT: Let's go over this again shall we?
DANIEL: You want a diagram? They led us straight to you.
BARRETT: The aliens?
DANIEL: Yes, the aliens. Please, Mr Man in Black, don't pretend you don't know about the aliens.
CARTER: Now we can't get a hold of Colonel O'Neill. We have to go to the set and figure out what's going on.
BARRETT: No you're not going anywhere. The NID's been given full authority over this investigation.
Jack and Martin are still tied up. Teal'c walks in.
O'NEILL: Teal'c. How'd you find us?
TEAL'C: I witnesses your abduction from the studio.
O'NEILL: Where's Tanner?
TEAL'C: He and his men have once again disappeared.
MARTIN: The real money's in syndication.
O'NEILL: Martin. Martin, come on.
MARTIN: If you wanna have lunch, just call my assistant.
Jack slaps him.
MARTIN: Colonel O'Neill? Murray?
O'NEILL: You remember?
MARTIN: Yeah. The antidote worked, I remember everything now.
O'NEILL: Marty, what happened? Why'd they drug you again?
MARTIN: They didn't. I did it to myself.
TEAL'C: For what reason?
MARTIN: When we went back to my planet and we saw that it was gone, I couldn't handle it. And the real estate job the Air Force got me was driving me crazy. I just wanted to forget everything.
O'NEILL: You were just gonna keep taking pills for the rest of your life?
MARTIN: Another month and the long term memory loss would have been permanent. Oh. Oh no.
TEAL'C: What is the matter, Martin Lloyd?
MARTIN: Wormhole X-treme, the show is based on your Stargate program.
O'NEILL: Don't worry, it's on cable. So why'd they bring you out of it. Why now?
MARIN: The ship's coming. We put it on a timer. Sort of a backup plan in case things didn't go right here.
O'NEILL: Why do they need you?
MARTIN: I still have the mobile computing device I stole from Tanner. They need it to access the ship.
O'NEILL: Where is it?
MARTIN: Don't worry, it's in a safe place.
Scene: On location
The device is on the prop table.
BILL: And rolling.
Reese is having her make up done.
REESE: Where's this from?
DELUISE: Standing with the quadro scanner. Don't stop rolling. Kenny, run. You overpaid, below the line freak. Billy, roll right now.
Kenny attaches the device to Reese.
DELUISE: Kenny, I love you but you're not in this scene. Billy?
BILL: Roll. Speed.
Scene: Props room at Bridge Studios
Jack and Martin are looking through the props.
MARTIN: It has to be here somewhere.
O'NEILL: You used a real alien device as a prop on the show?
MARTIN: Well I'd forgotten what it was at the time. Besides, do you have any idea what it costs to make one of these things?
PROP GUY: Can I help you?
MARTIN: We're looking for the quadro scanner.
PROP GUY: It's at the location.
MARTIN: What? Why?
PROP GUY: Somebody put it in the scene at the last minute.
MARTIN: How come?
PROP GUY: I don't know, I just do my job, man.
O'NEILL: Come on.
They leave. Prop guy gets his phone out.
PROP GUY: Yeah, get me Agent Barrett.
Barrett is on the phone.
BARRETT: All right, good work. Let's go guys, we got `em. You two stay here.
BARRETT: We want the ship. It's too important. Frankly, I don't trust either one of you. Agent Smith. Watch over these two and make sure they don't move.
Jack, Teal'c and Marty drive up. They get out of the car.
O'NEILL: Murray, look around. Marty, you're with me.
MONROE: I'm picking up the same low level gamma radiation we came across in the photon belt.
LEVANT: That doesn't make sense. I mean, those aliens couldn't have just disappeared, could they? Have?
DELUISE: And turn. Turn. Doug? Cut. Perfect. And tell slate. And Doug, you supposed to turn to me, remember? Okay, print everything. Moving on.
Jack moves to Reese.
O'NEILL: Good scene.
O'NEILL: You really nailed it. Let me take this stuff for you.
She drops something.
REESE: There you go.
She hands it to him.
Jack hands over her stuff except for the device.
O'NEILL: Let's go. (To Martin)
MARTIN: No wait. They're just about to shoot the big finish.
O'NEILL: Too bad.
MARTIN: I'm not leaving Colonel.
Jack grabs his jacket.
MARTIN: Okay, maybe I am.
Scene: Location truck
Jack and Martin go into an empty truck.
O'NEILL: You can control the ship from here with this?
MARTIN: Maybe. But do I have to?
O'NEILL: Yes Marty, you....
Jack sees Tanner and hides the device.
TANNER: You can hand me the device Colonel.
O'NEILL: Well this is getting old.
TEAL'C: Lower your weapons.
TANNER: Looks like we have a situation.
O'NEILL: You know guys, you can walk away from this. We're not gonna come after you.
TANNER: What about your friends at the NID? No more hiding. Where's the device?
O'NEILL: What device?
TANNER: Colonel. We let you escape because we knew Martin would lead you right to it.
A phone rings.
O'NEILL: That's me. Mind if.. I ...
He answers it.
CARTER: Sir, it's me.
O'NEILL: Hey, Carter. How you doing.
CARTER: The NID have made your position. They'll be there any minute.
O'NEILL: Everything all right?
CARTER: It is now.
She turns and we see Daniel tying up Agent Smith.
O'NEILL: I'll be in touch.
He switches the phone off.
O'NEILL: Time's up guys. The NID's on it's way.
MARTIN: Look! They're too late.
He jumps out of the truck and into Teal'c.
MARTIN: I'm all right Murray.
Everyone walks out of the truck and we see a large cloud forming.
MONROE: We should return to the Star portal before the aliens return.
LEVANT: What? But I haven't finished translating the alien text. What do you think?
Grell opens his mouth.
REESE: What the hell is that?
GUNNE: Is that, is that ours?
MARTIN: Keep rolling, keep rolling.
DELUISE: Yeah, keep rolling. Pan around here monkeys.
MARLOWE: Hey, what's this about? I'm supposed to be in all the cool scenes.
Martin moves to the camera.
MARTIN: Tilt up! Tilt up!
The camera tilts up and we see the alien ship descending.
TANNER: Colonel, please. You know as well as I do, they're never gonna leave us alone.
They turn to see cars approaching.
TANNER: There's nothing for us here. It's time for us to go.
Jack gets the device out and gives it to Tanner.
O'NEILL: You officially owe me one.
MAN: What about Martin?
TEAL'C: I believe Martin Lloyd has chosen a new path.
Martin is looking up at the ship.
MARTIN: We're gonna win an Emmy for this. Visual effects category.
TANNER: Thank you Colonel. We won't forget this.
Tanner beams the three men away and the ship flies off.
MARTIN: Cut it. Print it. That's a wrap.
DELUISE: Yeah. Cut it.
He shakes hands with Martin.
We see two men looking up. They are Brad Wright and Michael Greenburg.
GREENBURG: Cool special effect.
WRIGHT: I've seen better.
GREENBURG: Ah we'll fix it in post.
WRIGHT: Yeah. So you think we could get eighteen in?
GREENBURG: Yeah if we cut back on the Mollians.
WRIGHT: You think that's funny?
GREENBURG: Yeah, it's good enough for a walkaway.
WRIGHT: When's a good time to fade out?
GREENBURG: Right about now.
NARRATOR: Stay tuned for a special behind the scenes look at Wormhole X-treme.
Scene: Interview with Christian Bocher
BOCHER: I'm Christian Bocher. Portraying the character of Raymond Gunne who portrays the character of Dr Levant which is based on the character Daniel Jackson portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks originally portrayed by the actor James Spader. In the feature film. Are you okay?
Scene: Levant is being hit by rocks
BOCHER: Look out!
The scene repeats and he is constantly being hit.
DELUISE: And cut.
BOCHER: No. No.
DELUISE: Are you okay?
BOCHER: No I'm not okay. Ice. Could I get some ice?
DELUISE: All right let's get some ice in here.
Scene: Peter DeLuise is talking to Michael DeLuise.
PdL: All right this is the eyeline.
MdL: Wormhole X-treme. We're in space, you can do anything in space. Basically you've got the space between your teeth, the space, personal space.
PdL: Right okay, so..
Scene: MdL is shooting the trailer.
MdL: As a matter of fact it does say Colonel on my uniform.
The scene is cut and he looks down.
MdL: You know it doesn't say Colonel. Anyone ever think of that?
PdL: Um, it's just a figure of speech.
MdL: Well it's a figure of speech I can't figure out because I'm no seeing Colonel on my uniform. Could it be here? (He points to the patch on his arm)
Scene: PdL is talking to MdL.
PdL: You realise this is not a real show, right?
MdL: What are you talking about? Are you saying Wormhole X-treme is not a real show? We did all this. All this is....
PdL: It's not a real show.
MdL: Does my agent know about this?
Scene: On set.
PdL: Be heroic and just look over here at..
MdL: This isn't a real show?
PdL: No. It's not a real show.
MdL: If it's not a real show, then why are you telling me what to do? How could this not be a real show if we're doing it? Right now?
Scene: MdL is talking to PdL
MdL: Am I getting paid real money?
PdL: Yeah you're getting paid real money.
MdL: So what plane of reality are we on right now?
Scene: Shooting a scene
The Princess slaps MdL. She is a lot taller than him.
MdL: Hey. It's what I do.
He kisses her.
MdL: Are you sure you can't see the difference in our height? Could I get a half apple?
PdL: Okay, let's get a half apple.
MdL: I'm looking straight up her nose. You don't have to hit me that hard either. I think you can really see the difference in our heights.
PdL: It's not obvious.
MdL: Look I'm gonna measure it. I'm like..
PdL: But on this lens it looks right.
MdL: From this angle it looks like we're the same height?
MdL: You wouldn't lie to me?
PdL: I wouldn't lie to you.
Scene: Jill Teed, the actress who plays Monroe is talking to PdL.
TEED: How come I never get to kiss anybody?
PdL: There's an episode being written for you very soon.
Scene: PdL is trying to get Grell to lift one eyebrow.
PdL: Just one eyebrow.
He does both.
PdL: No, just the one.
Scene: Shooting a scene
PdL: And turn your back to me. Turn all the way around to me and do the hero thing and Action.
MdL: How can this not be a real show?
PdL: Oh forget it. Just cut.
Source : Stargate Fusion